Get To Know Anthony

The Mayan calendar predicts the end of the world on December 21, 2012. The November election will be one of the last things we do as citizens of the country we know and love. The person you elect to be President of the United States will have the task of putting civilization back together. What better time to start over? I’m not asking for a vote because I’m an awesome political genius or anything like that. I’m doing it because I’m good at cleaning things up.

So let’s take a moment to get to know your write-in candidate. Here is the transcript from a recent interview. You may have seen this interview on CNN and MSNBC, but they would have been airing it illegally without permission, so let me know if you saw it. In fact, if you find a transcript or video of this interview anywhere other than this site, let me know.

Interviewer: Thank you for taking the time out of your busy schedule to meet with me.

Anthony: No problem. I always like to take time for the Press.

Int: The public would like to know a little more about you. You are not even currently eligible to be President of the United States, so why are you even starting your campaign?

Ant: Show me where it says you have to be 35 to run for President. Article II, Section 1 of the US Constitution states that you have to be a natural born citizen of the United States, be a 14 year resident within the United States, and be 35 years old. It doesn’t say anything about needing to have met the age requirement at any time prior to the election day.

Int: So you will have met all of the requirements prior to the day of election?

Ant: What did I just say? Yes I’ll have met the requirements. I was born on April 1, 1976 in Pocatello, Idaho. I’ve never lived outside the country for more than a week at a time for vacation. I’ve always been a resident of the USA. In fact, I’ve only claimed residency in three states. Idaho, Texas, and Utah. My whole life is an open book for anyone who wants the info. I’ll make no effort to block or cover up any part of my past. And I can produce real documents proving everything I just said.

Int: What are you saying? Is that in reference to allegations that our current President isn’t a natural born citizen?

Ant: That sounds vaguely like you are trying to bait me into a political argument. Look, I don’t care what the current President has done to become President. All I know is that he has set a precedent for what the American people expect and will tolerate from government. At this point you can literally imagine a worst case scenario for what would happen if I really screwed the pooch and it pales in comparison to what past administrations have done.

Int: So let’s talk about your past, since it is an open book. Any skeletons in your closets?

Ant: Nope.

Int: So would it surprise you to find out that I have your ‘Permanent Record’ in front of me?

Ant: My what…? You mean that thing is real? I always thought it was something teachers just threatened you with to get you to jump through hoops like a trained monkey.

Int: Oh, no. It is very real. It says here that you were planning world domination at an age as young as 15. Is that true?

Ant: Who hasn’t dreamed about world domination? It is the American Dream, really. If the country could sort out its financial problems then we would be back in contention of capturing that dream too.

Int: So, it doesn’t concern you that people might think you are some kind of tyrant bent on world domination?

Ant: Well, other than the tyrant part, the rest is true. The world is going to be in ruins shortly after the election. If the world ends in December of 2012 as the Mayans predicted, then having a tyrant at the helm really is going to be the least of our concerns. Obtaining stable land and rebuilding our government will be the priority of my administration at first. We’ll focus on world domination in the second half of my term or possibly in my second term.

Int: You are already planning on being reelected? Isn’t that a little premature?

Ant: You would rather your President be so short sighted that he assumes he will screw up sufficiently that nobody would reelect him? I fully intend on running such a successful presidency that the public will demand the Constitution be amended to allow for a third and fourth term. In fact, it is entirely possible that once world domination is achieved and we have to merge all governments into one that terms won’t even exist anymore. I’ll remain in power by the good graces of the public. Through the miracle of medical science and nanotechnology I could remain in office forever. World domination is only the beginning. Once we have this planet under control then we’ll branch out and secure galactic domination.

Int: Seriously? Ok, come back to Earth now. We are talking about someone who isn’t even eligible to be the President at the current time and you are already talking about living forever and taking over the galaxy? You have watched way too much TV.

Ant: I can see that somebody doesn’t want a position in my regime. That’s ok. There are lots of people who will.

Int: Are your eyes… glowing?

Ant: Do you see this?

Int: Is that… how did you… what are…

Ant: Do you understand now?

Int: I see… Well, now that I know how you are going to accomplish the first phase of your plan, I can understand your confidence in the rest. That is really quite amazing. I didn’t think something like that existed.

Ant: So, moving on… or are we done?

Int: I think we are done for now. I’d really like to continue this later though.

Ant: Of course. Anything for the Press.